I feel so overwhelmed,I'm about to suffocate.If this goes on I think my sanity would be no more.
Time after time I experience the same whirling,choking emotions that engulfed me as I falter in my papers.The same thoughts replay again,again and yet again--if only I had done this,if only I had done that.Then everything would have been perfect.I'm always that close to attaining my goal,but then I watch it slipped away from my hands just when it was within grasp.Elusive...do you understand the pain and frustration one feels when something keeps eluding you? This was the perfect opportunity to get when I want but then I ruined it with my very own hands.
I tell myself to chill out,that this is not the first time it has happened.I have survived through so many periods of turmoil,this time it would be no different.Even if my GPA goes down by a little,I'm still doing better than most people.I would get into pc,I would get my second-up honours.Or so I think.I have to be less pefectionistic and yes,less competitive.
Mentality is a stubborn thing;the more you want to get rid of it,the more it clings on to you.Tightly.For a moment I thought I was going to snap when my mind was literally spinning from thinking about my exams even though I had taken it a few days back.But then I managed to rein it in, thank goodness.I've been in a horrible emotional state for the past 2 days;the tears just keep flowing and I felt so lonely,so empty inside.I need a listening ear so badly,but I can't find one.
I need to keep my emotions in check,I really do.Ha,I think no one knows that I'm such a emotionally unstable person...that facade of coolness and calmness does keep people fooled,no? I hate myself for getting upset so easily. I hate myself for not being to let go.I hate myself for being so reliant,so dependent on others.
Good things are never meant to be mine.Call me a girl-who-only-knows-how-to-wallow-in-self-pity for all you want,none of you understand anyway.